Wonder What 30 Would Have Been....

Thirty Is a problem Birthday for a lot of people......The 30th Birthday is a huge problem for this Mom because it is yet another age her sweet brown eyed girl will never see.

I just wonder what my girl would have been doing at 30....

married? single? back in school? finished another degree?  babies....birth or adoption? living back in TR or seeing the world?  blond or brunette but always beautiful? 

Things I do know there would have been chocolate in her desk draw.....lip gloss in her pocket....flat iron in her bathroom.....yellow tank top in her closet......picture of Miller on her desk..........


I can remember her being 30 mins.....30 hours....30 days.....30 months ......

But I wonder what 30 years would have been...

Life aint always beautiful but it is a beautiful ride......

Life ain't always beautiful but it a beautiful ride............

Holly loved this song as she did Gary Allen.   Found it on CD of his greatest hits over Christmas.  Several of the songs speak right to the life my girl had.  Life isn't always fair but we roll with the punches and ride it out.

While it was a joyous Christmas season it has been bitter sweet to.

I have friends who have been so very dear to me for ever but really dear to me over the past 3 1/2 years that are fighting battles of their own....heart, cancer, and grief.   I just pray that in some way I can bring them comfort just as they have me. 

We have our oldest dog "Boo"....16 years old..... she is nothing but bones and most days when I leave for work I really do not think she will still be walking when I get home....but some how she is.  Yes I will dearly miss that little stinker ....all 5 pounds of her but most of all the times she spent in Holly's arms during tears and laughter are what I will miss being reminded of each day.   She was with Holly to celebrate...all the volleyball fun, first date, driving, sleep overs.  She comforted Holly during ACL surgery, first broken heart, nerves of first job, exams.  So it will seem with her passing that another part of Holly will be gone. 

We have seen new relationships, marriages, careers, graduations and most of all glorious babies born this year to some of Holly's best buddies.  If they remember nothing else about Holly I hope they remember how she cherished each of them and how she would have cherished each of these new adventures.  I wish for them to realize just how fragile life it and to hold dear every minute that have.  Don't allow bitterness for what never will be to deem your pleasure for what is.  Don't allow life to pass you by.... live it all......good, bad or ugly. 

Most of all I wish for all to remember that "life ain't always beautiful but it is a beautiful ride"......

sit back and enjoy the smooth days but hold on for the rough days and count them all as joy......

Scotty McCreery - Christmas in Heaven (Lyrics)

Through a mothers eyes

I have purposely not allowed my self to get to caught up in the whole Sandy Hook tragedy.    I have had to in order to have any sort of Christmas spirit.  Selfish maybe but I prefer to see it as self preservation.  When I heard the news my heart broke for I knew what each and every "mother" involved was going to feel as soon as the following morning.  Yes in my case there was only one life lost and at her own hand.....but to those mothers.......it was just one of their children lost and it does not matter who held the gun.  While you can ache for all of these parents unless you are looking a child that lived in your heart.....that you gave life to....that you choose to give your life for ...that was raised out of your love......you can not feel the same pain.   I feel for the moms of the 6 year old for all the memories they will never get to make with that wonderful child.  I feel for the mother of the of the oldest life lost because of all the years of life routine they have that will now leave a void in so many lives.  I feel for the mothers of the ones lost who have other children because life has to go on as normal as you can even when you don't feel up to it......I feel for the moms of only children because never again will you hear any one call u "Momma".  

So as I move along with Christmas do I dare to compare my lose to the tragedy that is Sandy Hook no......but do I feel the ache of every single Mom who will be missing a blessed child Christmas morning yes oh yes I do..........

So Christmas morning I will Thank God for his Child that he allowed to give all for us.  I will thank God for the all the  Christmas Mornings he allowed me to be  blessed with not knowing the pain of losing a child.  I will say a special prayer for all those Moms that are having to learn this new normal.

And I will continue to hold tight to my own survival and be a little selfish......Merry Christmas.......everyday of my life my heart if full of Holly

Count every second as a blessing

Time just seems to get away from me these days...... as much as I have learned over the past few years to hold every memory dear and count every second as a blessing some times I still let myself get to busy with every day life to live.

It has been a wonder few weeks in my world.....spent the evening with Hud-man and I-an.   They got the biggest kick out of the 5 dollar toys I brought....... go figure.  I-an (Ian) has this mesmerizing grin and these dancing blue eyes..... he will knock his twin out of the way to play but in the next minute gently see that Hud-man (Hudson) is included in everything.  Hud-man has taught all who know him about tenacity and drive but always as a hug (and a kiss sorry J and B) ready for anyone who gets close enough.

Got to spend a day with several of our kids..... This was our little Ale's (Miller "time" Samuel "adams") first Christmas...... being that his Mom and Dad and personal angel all bleed orange we thought instead of a rockie horse he needed a rockie tiger...... He loved it and it is amazing how he knew right away how to make it rock..... having your first Christmas at 11 months old is fabulous.   Still glorious because it is the first but fun cause there is more to life then eating, pooping and sleeping.
Lil Ale will look at you so hard like he is looking through you then give you the sweetest side ways grin.....melt you.

This will also be Small Fry's (Tucker John or Friar Tuck as Jerry calls him) first Christmas....He will only be 15 days old.  Two hours after birth you could see the love for his parents in the way that his little face changed when they talked and you could see that his mom and dad were in love with this lil Fry in a way they never thought possiable.   You have to think of the Christ child when you see him.....peace, love and goodness all around him. 

We have been blessed with 4 very very very very special boys (their parents aren't bad either)...... I plan to count every second with them as a blessing...........They have made my Christmas special just as my brown eyed girl put a little special in every memory I have.

All you had to do is love her

Oh my goodness it has been a while.....lots going on.

My Mom has been in and out of the hospital a couple times but is doing as well as any 76 year old.
(our year of the heart continues)

HOLLY  always loved playing dress up so she always enjoyed Halloween.....not always the scary parts but the "you can be anything you want to be under the mask".  But you have to love a girl who the only time she felt free from having to please was when she pretended to be some one else.....a pleaser

We have pictures of her as a pumpkin, ghost, carebear, Ronald McDonald......as a child to name a few but she did not always get to go Trick or Treating....bad sinuses....bad ears.....etc. But you have to love a girl to sick to go out but still dressed up to give out candy to the kids that came by......a giver.

As an teenager and adult we have her dressed as a lil girl, old woman, and Clemson football player.  Under these costumes you sometimes would find a very happy Holly and some times a very sad hurt Holly....but you have to love a girl who even when she felt hurt and sad could try her best to care of others..... a nurturer.

Holly wore many "costumes"...... Daughter,  Student,  Athlete,  Dancer, Musician  Cousin, Niece, Friend, Wife, Hero and lastly Angel.


All you had to do is love her and those who didn't missed out.

Goodness where did July go?

Did not realize how long it had been......

We went to Pigeon Forge for the first two weeks in July.  108 the day we arrived.  We did nothing but swim, eat, sleep and walk the dogs for the first 3 days.......they were short walks the dogs dont do 100 plus weather.  Knock on wood my heart problems must have been exhaustion.....have not had a heart pill in 23 days......woohoo.  Jerry is off all med's also...as always we are blessed.  We had an 70 mph wind storm...thankfully no damage to us but there was all around the area. We went to the Titanic while in TN....great atraction.  Jerry's person (though very much like him MUSIC) did not make it mine on the other hand (nothing like me a domestic) lived.  Four of our "kids" came up for a few nights and we took in the Hatfield and McCoy dinner show....fun.  John and I whooped them all in corn hole....good thing for me he is a great player.


Found out we got another "grand BOY" on the way.....Tucker. 

We got back in town on Sunday afternoon and started 6 nights of VBS......fun, blessed but pooped.

Jerry's birthday fell right in the middle of VBS..... they whole group sang to him...so sweet.  I had taken him shopping for his birthday while in TN but I did bake him a sour cream pound cake...his fav.  On Saturday night we were invited for his birthday to celebrate with a meal cooked by Trix and JoJo...yum.  J joined us but PB and Tucker were out of town.  On Sunday we meet the Lemons for lunch....CanCans birthday was this week also.  Miller enjoyed him some road house mashed tators.

Sunday we got to see a brand new blessing....Palmer.....another big boy.   His beautiful mom and big sister Bella....sweet as ever.

Thanks again to Holly for giving us so many blessings...... by gracing us with your life and all you left us in death.

God Winks

Does God still speak?  This is the question our preacher asked on Sunday and our young assisant preacher asked last night. 

I have always thought the near misses, almost, what ifs and close calls of life were very fasinating.  This is an  interest Holly, my Mom  and I shared.    Like the guy who missed the plane that crashed or the lady who would have been hit by the car if she had not of dropped her pocketbook. 

Jerry and I talked about after Holly died how if just one thing one breath had of been out of place she would not of died when she did, where she did or how she did.  This is all the comformation we needed as we have always believed that the day you are born God knows the day, the how, the where and the reason you are going to die and most important God makes no mistakes. Your job is just to live your life, praise him and be ready when he calls.  I believe Holly was lucky enough to do her job in 26 years and a month.  This is not to say that I dont have moments when I miss my brown eye girl so much I could scream but I do know where she is and that is a plan much bigger then any need I have.

So I listened at both services this week I knew first hand that  God does speak and he does wink. 

God spoke to me early that May morning and gave me a calmness to know that my Baby was already with him...... any one who knows me know that if I am emotional up set I first strike out and then I take charge.   God knew I could not walk in to that hospital with raw emotions and still stay in his will, so he talked to me coming down that mountain and calmed me so yes I did take charge when I got to the hospital but I was able to do it with  calmness. 

The next day after Holly funeral I took one of her flowers to the nursing home to my Dad.  I saw a older man in the parking lot (one I had never noticed before) I was getting the flower out of my car but he and I still made eye contacted and he felt as lead to me as I felt drawn to him.  We started talking and he commented on the flowers.  I told him I was taking them to my DaD.  He asked Birthday?   I told him no and what they were from.  He told me he was a retired preacher and asked if he could pray with me.  He and I talked on a few more minutes.  After that I never saw him there again....God wink..... at the time I thought God had put him there because this was the first time I had seen my Daddy ( as he had not been able to come to the funeral and I had been to busy to come down ) and I needed a little extra help.

Two and ahalf years later I found out why God really put that dear man in the parking lot.  I came in contact with a girl and her Dad who were very upset about the sudden death of her Grandfather. (his father in law)  After she left us he continued to talk with me and finnally said that he did not know how he was going to make it through all this, that not only was he wife and daughter very upset but that his wife did not yet want the daughter to know the facts surrounding his death.  He said how do I help my wife handle her father taking his own life all the while hide this from my child.  (the real reason for my parking lot God wink)  I told him about Holly and explained our belief and was able to because that nice preacher had given me the words and the biblical facts to do so.  

I think God has always spoken in my life I just have not always heard him.   But  then I have not always had my heart living with him in Heaven.

Unless you have buried your child, keep your understanding to yourself

I have been remineded again during fathers day that people just truely do not get it.  I undersstand that you have lost your parents, grandparents, spouse, brother, sister, aunt, uncle or best friend but unless you have buried your child you have no understanding of our life.   It is hard when some one dies, no matter who but nothing changes tomorrow like the dealth of a child.  It does not matter if you lose the child before it is born or if you bury a child of 75......this goes against nature and there are things you thought would happen that will NEVER come to pass. 

 I have had people tell me "oh it would have been easier if you had had other children..."  you got to be kidding you love each child as its on.....

I have had people say well there are other children  you can help and make a difference for.....yes there is and yes we have but it is not a even trade for the joy we would have had with our brown eyed girl.

I have had people tell me or more so say behind my back "you need to get over and move on"......oh please how in the world do you do either.  Yes, we get up everyday and live we even laugh every day but there is never a day that as blessed as we are we do not ache for what we thought would be and cry for the void that is forever in our life. 

We heard during Fathers day how "oh I lost my husband, I feel so for my children, so I know how you must feel".....hate to tell you but you do not have a clue.  You can remarry......your children knew one day they would bury their Dad........I would not even try to replace my Hob and every time her sweet daddy says to me lets run by an check on Holly grave his next sentance is " I never dreamed I woulld have to say that in my life time".  

Sadly but true Jerry and I have both lost our Dad's and while the cross our minds with love in fathers day the struggle really is missing Holly.  I can not speak for him but it eats my guts out to see the saddness in his eyes.  so......

unless you have buried your child you really dont understand

Back to Foothills............another year

First off happy memorial day and let it be said that I love this country and greatly respect the men and women that keep us free so that i can write this silly blog.....

Secondly I know people find it odd that so often Jerry and I choose to spendmemorial day week end at the very plac we found out our Holly was gone....

But it is also the place we heard her voice, and laughter for the last time.

We have way more GREAT memories of our girl at Foothills then bad.....the memories of May 2009 are just a small part.

Saturday I found myself laying by the pool alone......a pool Hob and I layed by often,  two ladies (mother and daughter) started talking to me..... the converstion came around to children and I got to share my Hollys story..........this two ladies have no idea how they completed my day.

It was a perfect close to yet another memorial day week end at foothills and the toughest two months of my year.

I would not ask that she stay but refresh my heart with her laugh

I as others have been asked often if you could go back and change things in your life would you and what would it be......

I know it sounds unbelievable but no I would not....

To change a single thing would change who  my wonderful brown eyed girl was and I would never do that......

If I changed any thing I would miss out on all the blessings that have become my life and why would I ever deprive my self of those.

If I deprived my self of the pain of loss I would never know the many "children" I have now and see in each of them the thing that made them special to my girl.....

I would love to be able to refill by dreams with her brown eyes and I would love to refresh my heart with her laugh....

Gods Grace is .................

I have heard my whole life about the grace of God.....

Gods Grace is being able to forgive......others and yourself.............
Gods Grace is being able to understand that we all make mistakes............
Gods Grace is being able to love even though you have been hurt ...........
Gods Grace is being able to trust even after you have been betrayed............

Gods Grace is being able to Face tomorrow even when you want nothing more then to relive the joy of yesterday.............

the smile a bubble brings

I am not one to say "oh poor me".....but lets face it my life has not been carefree and beautiful everyday for the last few years......But I AM SO BLESSED

I have learned to and am reminded to take joy in just the smallest things....

I look at m sweet husband and see the shadows of my beautiful child and I know that I do not know when I will die but I will die with them in by heart

I look at my strong man and see the strength I need to face tomorrow with out my beautiful child

I look at the health on my man face and see the promise of growing old and being able to help dreams of others through the memory of our beautiful child

I watch my gentle loving man throwin a football with a angel that struggles every day and know I am blessed that my beautiful child made room in my heart for others

I see my "hollypop" holding sweet Miller and know that my beautiful child made a "yaya" out of me

I See the love for all "our" children and "our" G'children on my wonderful man and thank my beautiful child and God everyday for the wonderful life they have both placed me in

Today watching two sweet boys blowing bubbles I realized that even if life is fragile we get such great joy from it we have to live it full out and if it ends tomorrow.....all we can hope for it that we put a smile on a face, joy in a heart and shared the love we are blessed with.

I see the peace in my man and know that one day we will be 3 once more

Another year.............another blessing...........another tear

We are coming up on the time of year I love the best and hate the most.     On April 23 1983 I was given the very best blessing ever...........A sweet baby girl.  On April 23 2009 we celebrated her 26th birthday by going to the hospital where my sweet Daddy had just had a heart attack,  what a blessing he lived. 

 On May 23 2009 we received that call no parent wants.....that phone rings at 3 in the morning your heart stops and no one wants to pick the phone up call.....that we would never ever again hear that deep from the gut laugh nor looking in to those cut you to the bone brown eyes.   Jerry and I prayed all the way down the mountain.....still have no idea how we got to Spartanburg.    We both were quite lost in our thoughts and prayers for the 2 hours....we have found out that our thoughts and prayers were almost word for word the same ......that the other be ok and with the faith that we knew where are girl was and that
God makes no mistakes.   Upon arriving at SRH we discovered the start of our blessings......friends and family praying.......friends of Holly's that had just be names to us became our children in a glance.  Gods next blessing was allowing us to gaze upon our sweet baby girl and her beautiful face at peace.  My sweet husband turned to me and told me that it was just he and I now but that it would always be he and  I and we would never let our baby girls memory die.  The next bit of grace he gave me was the strenght to go into the room to those who had been waiting for hours with no news and tell them that while they would be able to see Hob "alive" for a few hours the life that was our girl was very much already with our God.   For the next few hours it was blessing after blessing as more and more hugs and tears were shared.   The nurses and staff all were such a blessing.   The first Doctor sent to test our girls body for life  told us that he believed that " Holly went to be with God at 3:18 am that morning".....God put all the right people in our path. While standing alone with Sherry Gray in the Holly's room I got the experience the love of God  and total worship of his blessings that is Sherry's faith.....I have never ever heard such a total prayer of love for God and my Holly.  Holly's  second passion in life (only surpassed by the thought of motherhood) was organ donor......So they were called in and were such blessing  and our dear friend Bo made sure we had all the facts to make a choice of the type of harvest.   The longest most surreal walk I have ever made was out of the hospital to our car.   After arriving home a different blessing rang our doorbell every few minutes. The next wave of blessings started when we had to go make arraignments for Holly's service.  Sherry Smith did our flowers and at 26th Holly had never had a flower from anyone else.....through our tears Jerry, Sherry and I picked out the perfect spray of yellow that was Holly's glory.  Sherry loved our Holly too.   Then we moved on to the mortuary..........no parent should ever have to do this but if you do it helps to have a "BO"........you can not ask for more then to have the person taking care of her body to love her as much as you do.   The night of the visitation was long but glorious..........how can you not find joy in the love people have for your child. 


As we approach April 23 2012 when my sweet Hob would have been 29 our blessings as our tears continue.  While I do not look forward to May 23 2012 the 3rd anniversary of my angel I would not change a thing about the past three years.............but as we celebrate her life with her party on May 12 2012 you can bet while I am basking in God's sweet grace and wishing I could hear that sweet from the gut laugh.

I could Scream

Last night I could not sleep.....and alone in my bed with my thoughts I cried....
I realized some times I miss my girl so much I could scream but the rest of the time it is just a bottomless pit that could never be filled.


As most of you know Jerry had mitral valve repair on Jan 16th.   The surgery went great but  we have hit one road bump after the other over they last 4 weeks.   He is back in the hospital for the 3rd time.  Surgery again in the morning to drain fluid from around the heart and try to get him back in rhythm for the 3rd time.   As  much as I was feeling sorry for myself and missing my girl last night I am reminded today how blessed I am and that God is in control.  Some times you wonder why and some times you are shown why.   Jerry was able to share to grace glory and love of God with one of his nurses tonight at the hospital after I left.  God needed him to be at the hospital tonight to give a new christian the reassurance that she needed tonight.

So even though I am sure there will be more times down the road that I want to scream because I miss my girl there will be hundreds more times that I will want to share his love and his grace will carry me through.

Will I dance or in awe of him be still...........I can only imagine but it will be done with my sweet girl and my wonderful husband by my side.

Sweet Tart kindda life

I have heard my whole life you can not have your cake and eat it too...............well I am more of a sweet tart eater the a cake eater.

How sweet it is to know that I will get to spend the rest of mine and Jerry's life together with a healthy valve the tart part is the pain and healing he must go through to get there.

It was so very sweet to know that we had so many family and friends praying for us and standing with me at the hospital but we had to go through the tart part of knowing the unknown could happen.


It was very sweet and we were very blessed the way Papa and Grammie went back and forth caring for us and their sweet Lily............the tart was that Jerry and Lily both had fights on their hands.

It was sweet to come down the hall of the hospital and hear Jerry snoring ....but the tart was the scary shock they had to give his heart to get him some relief.

It was the sweet sound of the doctor saying you can go home but tart to know that we would not have the round the clock support we had with the wonderful staff.

It was sweet to see the sweet face of "little" Miller born after the tart 21 hours his mom and dad worked to get him here.


The sweet to know that I wake up every morning very blessed to have family, friends, life, love , babies, graduations, weddings, birthdays, smiles and tears............tart to know I will not share any of these with my own sweet baby......but sweet that she gave me so many others to share these times with.

I know who is in control but I still got the nerves

I just can not imagine any one who does not believe in God being able to make it day to day much less watch the video Jerry and I watched today.

To say it was a little unnerving is an under statement........I mean you know somewhere is the back of your mind all the things that can go wrong when you stop some ones heart but to hear them said out loud about the Man that is your whole world is only bearable when you can turn it over to God.

As much as I know with my faith side the what ever happens is God's will the human side of me wants to be selfish and have my sweet man with me and feels very sorry for myself at the thought of being with out him.
The faith side knows that what ever happens God will bring us through.....


That is one fence you can not set on.....you either have faith or you don't......

Holly on the faith side!

becareful what you ask for or lord forbid joke about you just might get it....

A few weeks back several of us at work were talking about sick time....... in my case it has always been taking care of the sick time......I mean I have had two surgeries in my 17 years with the district....(small but surgeries none the less).....both times the doctor wrote me out for a big two days.

Don't get me wrong I have been blessed with good health or at least health good enough not to be able to justify being out of work and for this I am very grateful but still when I see my sick leave total I have to admit I think "dang"......

Any way while we were talking about it a few weeks back I said you know maybe one day a doctor will tell me I need to stay out a few weeks......all of you who know me know my whack humor and my way of just telling it like I see it and say sorry later.   Hence the title.....found out yesterday that Jerry is going to have surgery....this we knew......he is going to have to be out of work 12 weeks.....he was shocked....I think he had been told this but the male hearing must have been working.....

Then the doctor informs me that he will need someone with him 24/7 for about 4 weeks......this is where my world tilted.....now wait a minute.....I have to stay out of work for a month and all that has to happen in my love has to have open heart surgery........NO NO PLEASE I WILL WORK EVERY DAY AND NEVER EVER JOKE ABOUT SICK DAYS AGAIN.....

BUT one thing does hold true they are still take care of the sick days.....

some how I know Holly is laughing at me between shaking her head at my bad taste in joke material....

Once upon a time.....they all lived happily ever after

Once upon a time we all thought life would be like those fairy tales we loved a children.  We all dream of the day that we could grow up find our prince charming and live happily ever after.  But life is never that easy but often it is must more cherished.

Once upon  a time I had a favorite teacher, Carrie Batson, who was a wonderful teacher of business classes but more important she was a wonderful teacher of life.  You should find kindness and good in people.  You should love your children to the ends of the earth but don't forget to make yourself a life.  Upon learning of her death I was sad but realized she was so blessed to have left a legacy of happy ever after.

Once upon a time I had a two good friends, Theresa and Sheila, who both lost their Dad's soon after we finished high school.  They were devastated at their lose but were able to go on and live happily ever after.

Once upon a time I had a wonderful Dad,  Orion Lathan, who taught me a wonderful ( sometimes a curse) work ethic.  I can remember hearing him say, "....if your going to take a job be prepared to work a job"...."someone else depends on you to do that".  When Daddy lost his kidneys and had to take early retirement......he continued to live happily.....when he became unable to be cared for at home and had to go to a nursing home .......he still smiled  and never complained.......when I lost my baby all I had to do was remember what he had to face every day and I knew I have to honor him by doing "my job".   The night he died I was at peace because I knew he was with my baby and they were happy ever after.

Once upon a time I married my best friend, Jerry, and like every good fairy tale our life has had fights, struggles, cliff hangers and heartbreak.  The good times have only been made sweeter by the rough times.  He promised me standing before the preacher September 27th 1980, that we would stick together no matter what.  He promised me in a hospital April 23rd 1983 that he would love me and our baby girl forever.  He promised me standing in a hospital May 23rd 2009 that we would make it through all life has to throw at us together.  He promised me from a hospital bed December 13th 2011 that he loves me always will always has.  I know as we wait to find out when they will do his heart surgery that we are stronger together then ever.  We still have our happy ever after.

Hob my once upon a time and Jer my happy ever after.

tears in my eyes

I have found tears in my eyes lots this week.

I knew to much free time was going to be a bad thing this week but had no idea just how bad.  

Sunday we placed a sweet doe with a Holly wreath on my Sweet baby's grave.  How can such a sad place be so cherished to me.....both have the sweetest most beautiful brown eyes ever.

Just miss my baby girl......no Christmas shopping..... now Christmas cookie baking......no deep throaty laugh to match mine and my sisters.....no bright eyed smile at the smallest gift......no dream of future babies while watching children discover Christmas.

I know I am bless.....got to see a child shop for the very first time.....got to watch a sweet mom and dad with their own 14 month old wonder......got to see the sweet face of miller before he gets here......got to watch Christmas carol with jellybean and his 5 year old eyes.........was allowed to pray for two of the sweetest twins I know........

But with all the joy.......I still long for my brown eyed girl..............

Merry Christmas to all and hold the ones you love dear.

Holly the angel wings on my butterfly tree.

Life Happens

I have known that life happens for about 49 years now......I have learned to accept it over the past few.

We have known for some time that my dear, sweet, wonderful husband had a squeaky wheel in his chest (aka heart valve).    After seeing Dr. Larry for about 10 years it has been decided that the wheel needs to be greased.  So we spent the day Tuesday having test ran....some scheduled .....some surprise. 

It was all a little scary but we have an awesome God.  He put in my path a few days before a man who had lost his father in law.  (God had allowed him to die at his own hand)  He was a little scared as to handle his wife and children.  Still do not know if what I said will help him in any way but it did allow me to say out loud the lessons God has taught me and once again give me the strenght to do what has to be done.

So as Jerry and I move through the next month celebrating Jesus' birth and his full filling Gods plan I hope we can all remember....as we prepare for his surgery I hope we are able to share.....that God makes no mistakes....and Thank God every day that Life Happens

His most blessed gift to me is that he allowed my sweet brown eyed girl to be mine.

Sweet Peace

I have found peace is the oddest places lately.  

Sunday morning has always brought a certain peace of its own but for some reason yesterday, while waiting on Jerry to get ready for church, I was looking at the bright lights of my butterfly tree and felt sweet peace.

At church I had to keep the baby nursery for preaching, had the sweetest little boy sleep on my shoulder such peace.

Asked our preacher to add a friend of Holly's 7 month old son to the prayer list.   Mason will have heart surgery tomorrow at MUSC.  He has been on my prayer list for weeks but I have peace in knowing God has his hand on him......just wish I could share my peace with his parents.

Went by the cemetery yesterday to check on my baby girl.  Such bitter sweet peace knowing where my baby is.  Oh what a glorious peace she must feel every day.

Went and picked you some beautiful scarves CAW is making  to raise money for a children hospital......Talked with her Mom and Grandma..........What peace to know that they have raised such a wonderful loving child.

Have been looking at pictures of babies on here......prebirth.......and post birth.....what wonderful peace that innocents and blessing go on.

Once again I find that I am very blessed.

life is like a Thanksgiving dinner

The Turkey is My Jerry.............. The base for my life....... but instead of getting one a year, you get that one special love in a life time.  You can enjoy many different ways but it is always yummy.
Dressing is all the special moments you share together.......it is all that makes the meal. 
Brussels sprouts  those things your not really sure you want to do but are a very pleasant surprise.
English peas are  family and Friends scattered but when the squeeze is on they stick together.   Cranberries.....that little bit of stuff that you really don't know why you need but brings your plate/life together.  Rolls.....that soft comfort food like home.   Then there is the GRAVY......my Holly...... it has a way of covering the turkey and dressing and making it even more wonderful.  It gets under you rolls and makes them soggy.....until you realize it just adds so much.   It flows through your peas and brings them all together.   We are not crazy about some of the items making up the gravy but couldn't imagine the meal with out it.   Last but not any less important......pecan pie is life.....nuts but sweet.


Would not trade my life for anything.

twilight......breaking dawn

Several months before Hob's death, she went to see The first of the Twilight movies with her Aunt Sally and I.    She knew nothing of the stories and only wnet cause I was paying and she had nothing else to do.   The first time Edward appeared on screen, she not having read the discriptuion of him in the book, gasped and ......said you got to be kidding me.     

The first morning I awoke after her death I gasped, for there is no description to read on no longer having your child living.  I was in hopes the world was kidding me. 

Last night I went with several female family members to see Breaking Dawn.   Everyone in our group has read the books so we knew the story line but still when Jacob appeared full of emotion on screen at the start of the movie......everyone gasped and most said wow.

Now every morning when I awake, having lived my storyline for 30 months now I still gasp and say wow, will the shock  ever go away?


Hob the plot twist of my life story.

the dentist

I went to the dentist today to have my the cleaned...... one of the many places I have not been to in the last 2 1/2 years.

I know I know to long to go without having your teeth cleaned.....but hasn't ever been my favorite thing to do and has not really been important.

When I walked in the waiting room so many thoughts of Hob came back.   Some happy....some funny.....some  sorrowful.....but all like a drill on a nerve.

I set there and almost laughed out loud at how stupid it was that the dentist office brought so much back. 
Lucky thing was that only the girl running the front desk worked there when Hob was a patient......if not I might have totally lost it.   I know the hygienist thinks I am one tough woman......she had no idea i was numb.

Hob's memory.....the Novocaine of my life.

That for, that is, that the..........that that that........learning

For the most part I make it through the days at peace in the knowledge that Hob is in a much better place the I......

But from time to time I am the HUMAN MOMMA that just wants her girl back......

Over the last 2 and 1/2 years I have learned......you are sometimes stronger when you admit that your hurt.....
That for the most part people understand that you never "get over" the death of a child.......they just don't want to witness you pain.  
That is is only possible to fool my heart or my head one at a time.....they don't both smile at the same time any more.
That the more you feel out of control of your life the more you feel the need to control something.
That everyone has lost............. but not everyone chooses to grow from it.
That while it hurts I am just not strong enough to be angry about life.
That you can still laugh out loud most everyday and still deeply honor the person that is gone.
That butterflies to fly in the fall....

Hob.....the textbook of my education

Shaken and Stirred

The last few weeks have been wonderful, awful, painful beautiful.....but such is life without Hob.

A few weeks ago I found out Hob's class at BRHS was planning their 10 year reunion.  I was stirred to remember that at my TRHS 10 year class reunion we had lost a classmate and remembered how I felt so empty and sad that she did not live to see it........then felt shaken to realized neither had my sweet baby.


This year as the anniversary of Holly and Derrick wedding came closer I was shaken to realize that for the first time the day and dates fell just as they had in 2005.  I was stirred to remember the good times we had planning the wedding.....the deep laughter she had...... her tears as she came down the isle with her Dad.


That's my girl......the olive in this drink that is my life.

What a week ......value of true friends

Tuesday we got have dinner with our son-in-law.  As painful as that part of our life can be it is so much a blessing.  Derrick has been part of our life for 12 years and we hope will always be.


Wednesday I got the honor of keeping two of the sweetest 2 year old little boys ever.  While they are twins and very alike.....they are two very great people.  "I" is very lively smart busy and loving......I don't really think that two year olds are suppose to amaze you with their conversation....but he does.  "H" is a miracle loving hardworking little guy.   I don't really think that two year olds are suppose to remind that there is a GOD just by being.....but he does.

Thursday my husbands best friend from childhood came to stay.....he arrived after I had gone to bed.....they stayed up until 2.....and they say women talk alot.

Friday "D" a childhood friend of Hollys had brain sugery......again living breathing proof that there is a GOD....they removed "Norman" and she is on the road to recovery.

Friday night David (the best freind) was back with us.....dinner at the always wonderful Williams Hardware....We learned while there that "N" has stage one breast cancer.....true to her strong spirit ....she plans to fight and only sees this as something to slow down her holiday plans.  After dinner we came back to our house and David thinking he is learning about our Holly asked lots of questions. He does not realize that we heal by and love to talk about the wonders of our wonderful girl.  Stayed up till midnight.....sharing in the blessings of true friendship.....and the glory of GODs grace.

Saturday morning after a wonderful healthy breakfast of dunkin's and coffee....David left and Jerry and I loaded up in the car and headed to Union.   We were blessed to have one lovely daughter who left us blessed with so many more children and now they have all started having babies......LOVE IT.  Went to sweet -10 weeks and count Millers party.......Got to meet sweet 5 month old AvaGrace....who is as beautiful and her mom, aunt and grandmom.    Got to hold Sweet Williams pride and joy 4 week old Teally Rien....she is just a little doll.   Went to see Will and Joni's RANCH.......it is great....the house is so cute and the ranch is coming along.......5 month old handsome  Doc stepped on my foot and broke my toe.....but then he is a horse.

Sunday wonderful morning at church......great afternoon with great family and got to play with sweet "L.A.R"...now Christmas movies with my love.


Week and week-end blessed by freinds old and new.....young and old.......

today

interesting day..... went to a party for a lovely couple who are very special to me and their sweet lil Miller......he is about neg 10 weeks.......got smiled at by a beautiful 5 month old ava grace......got to cuddle the beautiful 4 week old teally-rein.......and had my foot stepped on and a toe broke by 5 month old Doc.....but then he was a horse........all in all it was a wonderful beautiful very blessed day

everyone asks but do they really want to know?

Everyone always asks how we are..... but do they really want to know? .....that at least 5 times a day I face things that I will never share with my child......that I will never be a grandmother.....that I will never celebrate another mothers day in the same way?

But do they know that I was blessed   to live out every breath my child ever took....