God Winks

Does God still speak?  This is the question our preacher asked on Sunday and our young assisant preacher asked last night. 

I have always thought the near misses, almost, what ifs and close calls of life were very fasinating.  This is an  interest Holly, my Mom  and I shared.    Like the guy who missed the plane that crashed or the lady who would have been hit by the car if she had not of dropped her pocketbook. 

Jerry and I talked about after Holly died how if just one thing one breath had of been out of place she would not of died when she did, where she did or how she did.  This is all the comformation we needed as we have always believed that the day you are born God knows the day, the how, the where and the reason you are going to die and most important God makes no mistakes. Your job is just to live your life, praise him and be ready when he calls.  I believe Holly was lucky enough to do her job in 26 years and a month.  This is not to say that I dont have moments when I miss my brown eye girl so much I could scream but I do know where she is and that is a plan much bigger then any need I have.

So I listened at both services this week I knew first hand that  God does speak and he does wink. 

God spoke to me early that May morning and gave me a calmness to know that my Baby was already with him...... any one who knows me know that if I am emotional up set I first strike out and then I take charge.   God knew I could not walk in to that hospital with raw emotions and still stay in his will, so he talked to me coming down that mountain and calmed me so yes I did take charge when I got to the hospital but I was able to do it with  calmness. 

The next day after Holly funeral I took one of her flowers to the nursing home to my Dad.  I saw a older man in the parking lot (one I had never noticed before) I was getting the flower out of my car but he and I still made eye contacted and he felt as lead to me as I felt drawn to him.  We started talking and he commented on the flowers.  I told him I was taking them to my DaD.  He asked Birthday?   I told him no and what they were from.  He told me he was a retired preacher and asked if he could pray with me.  He and I talked on a few more minutes.  After that I never saw him there again....God wink..... at the time I thought God had put him there because this was the first time I had seen my Daddy ( as he had not been able to come to the funeral and I had been to busy to come down ) and I needed a little extra help.

Two and ahalf years later I found out why God really put that dear man in the parking lot.  I came in contact with a girl and her Dad who were very upset about the sudden death of her Grandfather. (his father in law)  After she left us he continued to talk with me and finnally said that he did not know how he was going to make it through all this, that not only was he wife and daughter very upset but that his wife did not yet want the daughter to know the facts surrounding his death.  He said how do I help my wife handle her father taking his own life all the while hide this from my child.  (the real reason for my parking lot God wink)  I told him about Holly and explained our belief and was able to because that nice preacher had given me the words and the biblical facts to do so.  

I think God has always spoken in my life I just have not always heard him.   But  then I have not always had my heart living with him in Heaven.

Unless you have buried your child, keep your understanding to yourself

I have been remineded again during fathers day that people just truely do not get it.  I undersstand that you have lost your parents, grandparents, spouse, brother, sister, aunt, uncle or best friend but unless you have buried your child you have no understanding of our life.   It is hard when some one dies, no matter who but nothing changes tomorrow like the dealth of a child.  It does not matter if you lose the child before it is born or if you bury a child of 75......this goes against nature and there are things you thought would happen that will NEVER come to pass. 

 I have had people tell me "oh it would have been easier if you had had other children..."  you got to be kidding you love each child as its on.....

I have had people say well there are other children  you can help and make a difference for.....yes there is and yes we have but it is not a even trade for the joy we would have had with our brown eyed girl.

I have had people tell me or more so say behind my back "you need to get over and move on"......oh please how in the world do you do either.  Yes, we get up everyday and live we even laugh every day but there is never a day that as blessed as we are we do not ache for what we thought would be and cry for the void that is forever in our life. 

We heard during Fathers day how "oh I lost my husband, I feel so for my children, so I know how you must feel".....hate to tell you but you do not have a clue.  You can remarry......your children knew one day they would bury their Dad........I would not even try to replace my Hob and every time her sweet daddy says to me lets run by an check on Holly grave his next sentance is " I never dreamed I woulld have to say that in my life time".  

Sadly but true Jerry and I have both lost our Dad's and while the cross our minds with love in fathers day the struggle really is missing Holly.  I can not speak for him but it eats my guts out to see the saddness in his eyes.  so......

unless you have buried your child you really dont understand