Once upon a time we all thought life would be like those fairy tales we loved a children. We all dream of the day that we could grow up find our prince charming and live happily ever after. But life is never that easy but often it is must more cherished.
Once upon a time I had a favorite teacher, Carrie Batson, who was a wonderful teacher of business classes but more important she was a wonderful teacher of life. You should find kindness and good in people. You should love your children to the ends of the earth but don't forget to make yourself a life. Upon learning of her death I was sad but realized she was so blessed to have left a legacy of happy ever after.
Once upon a time I had a two good friends, Theresa and Sheila, who both lost their Dad's soon after we finished high school. They were devastated at their lose but were able to go on and live happily ever after.
Once upon a time I had a wonderful Dad, Orion Lathan, who taught me a wonderful ( sometimes a curse) work ethic. I can remember hearing him say, "....if your going to take a job be prepared to work a job"...."someone else depends on you to do that". When Daddy lost his kidneys and had to take early retirement......he continued to live happily.....when he became unable to be cared for at home and had to go to a nursing home .......he still smiled and never complained.......when I lost my baby all I had to do was remember what he had to face every day and I knew I have to honor him by doing "my job". The night he died I was at peace because I knew he was with my baby and they were happy ever after.
Once upon a time I married my best friend, Jerry, and like every good fairy tale our life has had fights, struggles, cliff hangers and heartbreak. The good times have only been made sweeter by the rough times. He promised me standing before the preacher September 27th 1980, that we would stick together no matter what. He promised me in a hospital April 23rd 1983 that he would love me and our baby girl forever. He promised me standing in a hospital May 23rd 2009 that we would make it through all life has to throw at us together. He promised me from a hospital bed December 13th 2011 that he loves me always will always has. I know as we wait to find out when they will do his heart surgery that we are stronger together then ever. We still have our happy ever after.
Hob my once upon a time and Jer my happy ever after.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
tears in my eyes
I have found tears in my eyes lots this week.
I knew to much free time was going to be a bad thing this week but had no idea just how bad.
Sunday we placed a sweet doe with a Holly wreath on my Sweet baby's grave. How can such a sad place be so cherished to me.....both have the sweetest most beautiful brown eyes ever.
Just miss my baby girl......no Christmas shopping..... now Christmas cookie baking......no deep throaty laugh to match mine and my sisters.....no bright eyed smile at the smallest gift......no dream of future babies while watching children discover Christmas.
I know I am bless.....got to see a child shop for the very first time.....got to watch a sweet mom and dad with their own 14 month old wonder......got to see the sweet face of miller before he gets here......got to watch Christmas carol with jellybean and his 5 year old eyes.........was allowed to pray for two of the sweetest twins I know........
But with all the joy.......I still long for my brown eyed girl..............
Merry Christmas to all and hold the ones you love dear.
Holly the angel wings on my butterfly tree.
I knew to much free time was going to be a bad thing this week but had no idea just how bad.
Sunday we placed a sweet doe with a Holly wreath on my Sweet baby's grave. How can such a sad place be so cherished to me.....both have the sweetest most beautiful brown eyes ever.
Just miss my baby girl......no Christmas shopping..... now Christmas cookie baking......no deep throaty laugh to match mine and my sisters.....no bright eyed smile at the smallest gift......no dream of future babies while watching children discover Christmas.
I know I am bless.....got to see a child shop for the very first time.....got to watch a sweet mom and dad with their own 14 month old wonder......got to see the sweet face of miller before he gets here......got to watch Christmas carol with jellybean and his 5 year old eyes.........was allowed to pray for two of the sweetest twins I know........
But with all the joy.......I still long for my brown eyed girl..............
Merry Christmas to all and hold the ones you love dear.
Holly the angel wings on my butterfly tree.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Life Happens
I have known that life happens for about 49 years now......I have learned to accept it over the past few.
We have known for some time that my dear, sweet, wonderful husband had a squeaky wheel in his chest (aka heart valve). After seeing Dr. Larry for about 10 years it has been decided that the wheel needs to be greased. So we spent the day Tuesday having test ran....some scheduled .....some surprise.
It was all a little scary but we have an awesome God. He put in my path a few days before a man who had lost his father in law. (God had allowed him to die at his own hand) He was a little scared as to handle his wife and children. Still do not know if what I said will help him in any way but it did allow me to say out loud the lessons God has taught me and once again give me the strenght to do what has to be done.
So as Jerry and I move through the next month celebrating Jesus' birth and his full filling Gods plan I hope we can all remember....as we prepare for his surgery I hope we are able to share.....that God makes no mistakes....and Thank God every day that Life Happens
His most blessed gift to me is that he allowed my sweet brown eyed girl to be mine.
We have known for some time that my dear, sweet, wonderful husband had a squeaky wheel in his chest (aka heart valve). After seeing Dr. Larry for about 10 years it has been decided that the wheel needs to be greased. So we spent the day Tuesday having test ran....some scheduled .....some surprise.
It was all a little scary but we have an awesome God. He put in my path a few days before a man who had lost his father in law. (God had allowed him to die at his own hand) He was a little scared as to handle his wife and children. Still do not know if what I said will help him in any way but it did allow me to say out loud the lessons God has taught me and once again give me the strenght to do what has to be done.
So as Jerry and I move through the next month celebrating Jesus' birth and his full filling Gods plan I hope we can all remember....as we prepare for his surgery I hope we are able to share.....that God makes no mistakes....and Thank God every day that Life Happens
His most blessed gift to me is that he allowed my sweet brown eyed girl to be mine.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Sweet Peace
I have found peace is the oddest places lately.
Sunday morning has always brought a certain peace of its own but for some reason yesterday, while waiting on Jerry to get ready for church, I was looking at the bright lights of my butterfly tree and felt sweet peace.
At church I had to keep the baby nursery for preaching, had the sweetest little boy sleep on my shoulder such peace.
Asked our preacher to add a friend of Holly's 7 month old son to the prayer list. Mason will have heart surgery tomorrow at MUSC. He has been on my prayer list for weeks but I have peace in knowing God has his hand on him......just wish I could share my peace with his parents.
Went by the cemetery yesterday to check on my baby girl. Such bitter sweet peace knowing where my baby is. Oh what a glorious peace she must feel every day.
Went and picked you some beautiful scarves CAW is making to raise money for a children hospital......Talked with her Mom and Grandma..........What peace to know that they have raised such a wonderful loving child.
Have been looking at pictures of babies on here......prebirth.......and post birth.....what wonderful peace that innocents and blessing go on.
Once again I find that I am very blessed.
Sunday morning has always brought a certain peace of its own but for some reason yesterday, while waiting on Jerry to get ready for church, I was looking at the bright lights of my butterfly tree and felt sweet peace.
At church I had to keep the baby nursery for preaching, had the sweetest little boy sleep on my shoulder such peace.
Asked our preacher to add a friend of Holly's 7 month old son to the prayer list. Mason will have heart surgery tomorrow at MUSC. He has been on my prayer list for weeks but I have peace in knowing God has his hand on him......just wish I could share my peace with his parents.
Went by the cemetery yesterday to check on my baby girl. Such bitter sweet peace knowing where my baby is. Oh what a glorious peace she must feel every day.
Went and picked you some beautiful scarves CAW is making to raise money for a children hospital......Talked with her Mom and Grandma..........What peace to know that they have raised such a wonderful loving child.
Have been looking at pictures of babies on here......prebirth.......and post birth.....what wonderful peace that innocents and blessing go on.
Once again I find that I am very blessed.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
life is like a Thanksgiving dinner
The Turkey is My Jerry.............. The base for my life....... but instead of getting one a year, you get that one special love in a life time. You can enjoy many different ways but it is always yummy.
Dressing is all the special moments you share together.......it is all that makes the meal.
Brussels sprouts those things your not really sure you want to do but are a very pleasant surprise.
English peas are family and Friends scattered but when the squeeze is on they stick together. Cranberries.....that little bit of stuff that you really don't know why you need but brings your plate/life together. Rolls.....that soft comfort food like home. Then there is the GRAVY......my Holly...... it has a way of covering the turkey and dressing and making it even more wonderful. It gets under you rolls and makes them soggy.....until you realize it just adds so much. It flows through your peas and brings them all together. We are not crazy about some of the items making up the gravy but couldn't imagine the meal with out it. Last but not any less important......pecan pie is life.....nuts but sweet.
Would not trade my life for anything.
Dressing is all the special moments you share together.......it is all that makes the meal.
Brussels sprouts those things your not really sure you want to do but are a very pleasant surprise.
English peas are family and Friends scattered but when the squeeze is on they stick together. Cranberries.....that little bit of stuff that you really don't know why you need but brings your plate/life together. Rolls.....that soft comfort food like home. Then there is the GRAVY......my Holly...... it has a way of covering the turkey and dressing and making it even more wonderful. It gets under you rolls and makes them soggy.....until you realize it just adds so much. It flows through your peas and brings them all together. We are not crazy about some of the items making up the gravy but couldn't imagine the meal with out it. Last but not any less important......pecan pie is life.....nuts but sweet.
Would not trade my life for anything.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
twilight......breaking dawn
Several months before Hob's death, she went to see The first of the Twilight movies with her Aunt Sally and I. She knew nothing of the stories and only wnet cause I was paying and she had nothing else to do. The first time Edward appeared on screen, she not having read the discriptuion of him in the book, gasped and ......said you got to be kidding me.
The first morning I awoke after her death I gasped, for there is no description to read on no longer having your child living. I was in hopes the world was kidding me.
Last night I went with several female family members to see Breaking Dawn. Everyone in our group has read the books so we knew the story line but still when Jacob appeared full of emotion on screen at the start of the movie......everyone gasped and most said wow.
Now every morning when I awake, having lived my storyline for 30 months now I still gasp and say wow, will the shock ever go away?
Hob the plot twist of my life story.
The first morning I awoke after her death I gasped, for there is no description to read on no longer having your child living. I was in hopes the world was kidding me.
Last night I went with several female family members to see Breaking Dawn. Everyone in our group has read the books so we knew the story line but still when Jacob appeared full of emotion on screen at the start of the movie......everyone gasped and most said wow.
Now every morning when I awake, having lived my storyline for 30 months now I still gasp and say wow, will the shock ever go away?
Hob the plot twist of my life story.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
the dentist
I went to the dentist today to have my the cleaned...... one of the many places I have not been to in the last 2 1/2 years.
I know I know to long to go without having your teeth cleaned.....but hasn't ever been my favorite thing to do and has not really been important.
When I walked in the waiting room so many thoughts of Hob came back. Some happy....some funny.....some sorrowful.....but all like a drill on a nerve.
I set there and almost laughed out loud at how stupid it was that the dentist office brought so much back.
Lucky thing was that only the girl running the front desk worked there when Hob was a patient......if not I might have totally lost it. I know the hygienist thinks I am one tough woman......she had no idea i was numb.
Hob's memory.....the Novocaine of my life.
I know I know to long to go without having your teeth cleaned.....but hasn't ever been my favorite thing to do and has not really been important.
When I walked in the waiting room so many thoughts of Hob came back. Some happy....some funny.....some sorrowful.....but all like a drill on a nerve.
I set there and almost laughed out loud at how stupid it was that the dentist office brought so much back.
Lucky thing was that only the girl running the front desk worked there when Hob was a patient......if not I might have totally lost it. I know the hygienist thinks I am one tough woman......she had no idea i was numb.
Hob's memory.....the Novocaine of my life.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
That for, that is, that the..........that that that........learning
For the most part I make it through the days at peace in the knowledge that Hob is in a much better place the I......
But from time to time I am the HUMAN MOMMA that just wants her girl back......
Over the last 2 and 1/2 years I have learned......you are sometimes stronger when you admit that your hurt.....
That for the most part people understand that you never "get over" the death of a child.......they just don't want to witness you pain.
That is is only possible to fool my heart or my head one at a time.....they don't both smile at the same time any more.
That the more you feel out of control of your life the more you feel the need to control something.
That everyone has lost............. but not everyone chooses to grow from it.
That while it hurts I am just not strong enough to be angry about life.
That you can still laugh out loud most everyday and still deeply honor the person that is gone.
That butterflies to fly in the fall....
Hob.....the textbook of my education
But from time to time I am the HUMAN MOMMA that just wants her girl back......
Over the last 2 and 1/2 years I have learned......you are sometimes stronger when you admit that your hurt.....
That for the most part people understand that you never "get over" the death of a child.......they just don't want to witness you pain.
That is is only possible to fool my heart or my head one at a time.....they don't both smile at the same time any more.
That the more you feel out of control of your life the more you feel the need to control something.
That everyone has lost............. but not everyone chooses to grow from it.
That while it hurts I am just not strong enough to be angry about life.
That you can still laugh out loud most everyday and still deeply honor the person that is gone.
That butterflies to fly in the fall....
Hob.....the textbook of my education
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Shaken and Stirred
The last few weeks have been wonderful, awful, painful beautiful.....but such is life without Hob.
A few weeks ago I found out Hob's class at BRHS was planning their 10 year reunion. I was stirred to remember that at my TRHS 10 year class reunion we had lost a classmate and remembered how I felt so empty and sad that she did not live to see it........then felt shaken to realized neither had my sweet baby.
This year as the anniversary of Holly and Derrick wedding came closer I was shaken to realize that for the first time the day and dates fell just as they had in 2005. I was stirred to remember the good times we had planning the wedding.....the deep laughter she had...... her tears as she came down the isle with her Dad.
That's my girl......the olive in this drink that is my life.
A few weeks ago I found out Hob's class at BRHS was planning their 10 year reunion. I was stirred to remember that at my TRHS 10 year class reunion we had lost a classmate and remembered how I felt so empty and sad that she did not live to see it........then felt shaken to realized neither had my sweet baby.
This year as the anniversary of Holly and Derrick wedding came closer I was shaken to realize that for the first time the day and dates fell just as they had in 2005. I was stirred to remember the good times we had planning the wedding.....the deep laughter she had...... her tears as she came down the isle with her Dad.
That's my girl......the olive in this drink that is my life.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
What a week ......value of true friends
Tuesday we got have dinner with our son-in-law. As painful as that part of our life can be it is so much a blessing. Derrick has been part of our life for 12 years and we hope will always be.
Wednesday I got the honor of keeping two of the sweetest 2 year old little boys ever. While they are twins and very alike.....they are two very great people. "I" is very lively smart busy and loving......I don't really think that two year olds are suppose to amaze you with their conversation....but he does. "H" is a miracle loving hardworking little guy. I don't really think that two year olds are suppose to remind that there is a GOD just by being.....but he does.
Thursday my husbands best friend from childhood came to stay.....he arrived after I had gone to bed.....they stayed up until 2.....and they say women talk alot.
Friday "D" a childhood friend of Hollys had brain sugery......again living breathing proof that there is a GOD....they removed "Norman" and she is on the road to recovery.
Friday night David (the best freind) was back with us.....dinner at the always wonderful Williams Hardware....We learned while there that "N" has stage one breast cancer.....true to her strong spirit ....she plans to fight and only sees this as something to slow down her holiday plans. After dinner we came back to our house and David thinking he is learning about our Holly asked lots of questions. He does not realize that we heal by and love to talk about the wonders of our wonderful girl. Stayed up till midnight.....sharing in the blessings of true friendship.....and the glory of GODs grace.
Saturday morning after a wonderful healthy breakfast of dunkin's and coffee....David left and Jerry and I loaded up in the car and headed to Union. We were blessed to have one lovely daughter who left us blessed with so many more children and now they have all started having babies......LOVE IT. Went to sweet -10 weeks and count Millers party.......Got to meet sweet 5 month old AvaGrace....who is as beautiful and her mom, aunt and grandmom. Got to hold Sweet Williams pride and joy 4 week old Teally Rien....she is just a little doll. Went to see Will and Joni's RANCH.......it is great....the house is so cute and the ranch is coming along.......5 month old handsome Doc stepped on my foot and broke my toe.....but then he is a horse.
Sunday wonderful morning at church......great afternoon with great family and got to play with sweet "L.A.R"...now Christmas movies with my love.
Week and week-end blessed by freinds old and new.....young and old.......
Wednesday I got the honor of keeping two of the sweetest 2 year old little boys ever. While they are twins and very alike.....they are two very great people. "I" is very lively smart busy and loving......I don't really think that two year olds are suppose to amaze you with their conversation....but he does. "H" is a miracle loving hardworking little guy. I don't really think that two year olds are suppose to remind that there is a GOD just by being.....but he does.
Thursday my husbands best friend from childhood came to stay.....he arrived after I had gone to bed.....they stayed up until 2.....and they say women talk alot.
Friday "D" a childhood friend of Hollys had brain sugery......again living breathing proof that there is a GOD....they removed "Norman" and she is on the road to recovery.
Friday night David (the best freind) was back with us.....dinner at the always wonderful Williams Hardware....We learned while there that "N" has stage one breast cancer.....true to her strong spirit ....she plans to fight and only sees this as something to slow down her holiday plans. After dinner we came back to our house and David thinking he is learning about our Holly asked lots of questions. He does not realize that we heal by and love to talk about the wonders of our wonderful girl. Stayed up till midnight.....sharing in the blessings of true friendship.....and the glory of GODs grace.
Saturday morning after a wonderful healthy breakfast of dunkin's and coffee....David left and Jerry and I loaded up in the car and headed to Union. We were blessed to have one lovely daughter who left us blessed with so many more children and now they have all started having babies......LOVE IT. Went to sweet -10 weeks and count Millers party.......Got to meet sweet 5 month old AvaGrace....who is as beautiful and her mom, aunt and grandmom. Got to hold Sweet Williams pride and joy 4 week old Teally Rien....she is just a little doll. Went to see Will and Joni's RANCH.......it is great....the house is so cute and the ranch is coming along.......5 month old handsome Doc stepped on my foot and broke my toe.....but then he is a horse.
Sunday wonderful morning at church......great afternoon with great family and got to play with sweet "L.A.R"...now Christmas movies with my love.
Week and week-end blessed by freinds old and new.....young and old.......
Saturday, November 5, 2011
everyone asks but do they really want to know?
Everyone always asks how we are..... but do they really want to know? .....that at least 5 times a day I face things that I will never share with my child......that I will never be a grandmother.....that I will never celebrate another mothers day in the same way?
But do they know that I was blessed to live out every breath my child ever took....
But do they know that I was blessed to live out every breath my child ever took....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)